Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
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Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Software Development ⛵️
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
$3 #books
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
honestly, i need both: