“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
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My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
when you are just born a rebel
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.