Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
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count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Bloody internet 😳
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is