Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
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All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You鈥檙e going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I don鈥檛 always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it鈥檚 always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour鈥檚 flower bed
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
My son works part time at McDonald鈥檚 and did a shift today. I asked him, as it鈥檚 Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he鈥檚 adopted.
I鈥檝e had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 馃惔”]
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET鈥橲 GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET鈥橲 PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Gym memberships are for people who don鈥檛 have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
If you hold a baby up to a light and don鈥檛 see the security strip it鈥檚 a fake baby
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*