If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
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Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????