Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
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I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
my professor scared me for a second
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.