Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
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When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
We have a winner.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Breaking news:
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots