If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
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Everyone’s family
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
6. me as a lawyer
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.