I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
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*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
So we got a goldfish…
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
What a chick magnet..
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?