So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
You Might Also Like
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.