My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
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If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
(Musicians.)
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.