A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
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There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
He’s dead
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos