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ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
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ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
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A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again