Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
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Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.