Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
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Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”