I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
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HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.