her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
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j o i m p
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?