looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
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We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me