I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
You Might Also Like
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding