I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
You Might Also Like
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*