This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
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“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
#ParentingFacts
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much