I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
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me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.