Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
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I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Leaving the Barbers like
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope