Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
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Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
The fall of Netflix
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no