i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
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Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
😩😩😩
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Doug is just Canadian for dog
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Friday night party time 🥳
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o