Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
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Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
why am I working on Labor Day
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.