[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
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Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
then why did i get this email
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry