It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
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*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Welcome to the stomach
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on