i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
You Might Also Like
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.