Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
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[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
This 4th of July, please remember…
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me