Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.