Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
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I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Somewhere in an alternate universe
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.