mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
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This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful