I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
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Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
The photographer’s assistant
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*