[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
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guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words