911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
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SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.