Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
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kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!