Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
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I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
dam girl
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
#CoronaOutbreak
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.