You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
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You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
giddy up Office Depot
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.