You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
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Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
This kid is going places
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Spring cleaning checklist…
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Squirrels before girls.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these