Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
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AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.