PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
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I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.