College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
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If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok