Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
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Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
The news
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…