Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
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Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
so this horse walks into a bar
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit