Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
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Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Dead sexy!!
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
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How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Extremely relatable.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?