Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
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I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.