Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
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Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.