Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
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to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Midwest trash talk
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*