Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
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Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.